Writer 1: Ok, we need to write a
new Dhoom movie. So much money to be made.
Writer 2: What’s there to write?
Writer 1: We signed Aamir. He
likes to read scripts and stuff.
Writer 2: But why?
Writer 1: He is a thinking actor,
yaar. He asks questions like: What’s my character’s backstory? What is the
existential crisis he is going through? How is the film reflecting the socio
economic politics of disparities in the world?
Writer 2: (looks at DVD of The
Dark Knight lying around and scribbles for a minute) Okay, we begin with the
backstory. Aamir could play Joker, I mean clown. Backstory is that he was part
of the circus, his father dies unable to pay bank loans, so he robs banks.
Banks are the villains of today. And we end a 20-minute backstory with a great
back shot of Aamir... Remember how he worked out for Ghajini since he couldn't
do much with the script? I can already see the teaser.
Writer 1: Aamir is a thinking
actor. We need more.
Writer 2: (looks at the DVD shelf
and The Prestige DVD is asking him: Are you watching closely?) Okay, Aamir
plays a thinking clown. He can also do magic. In fact, I can make doubly sure
he won't turn this down. I'm writing him a role where he can be a thinking
genius thief and the Taare Zameen Par kid at the same time.
Writer 1: Krrish already has a
grown up autistic kid in a man’s body.
Writer 2: Doesn't matter, boss. I
saw this movie called Tropic Thunder. Ben Stiller plays Simple Jack in a movie
within a movie. What superb acting. Every actor wants to be Rainman and Forrest
Gump once in his life. Aamir is no exception.
Writer 1: Fine... this just when
Yash Raj Films is turning over a new leaf with good cinema! Okay, here’s an
idea. Make it fully meta. Aamir should say what we believe in. We are clowns.
We entertain. We make people believe that they are winning by laughing at us.
But we have their money. At least the critics will understand our predicament
then.
Writer 2: Okay, boss. Ditto for
Uday Chopra, I presume. He makes self-deprecatory jokes so that the audience
likes him finally?
Writer 1: We can only try. We
have unleashed him upon them thrice now. We hope he has grown on them.
Writer 2: Bas, enough characterisation.
It’s a Dhoom movie, boss. Let’s talk about the bikes. We need to do something
better than The Fast and the Furious. Something like Transformers? Picture
this: Aamir is being chased on a bike, suddenly he’s trapped on a bridge... And
as he dives off the bridge with his bike, the bike becomes a boat and then a
submarine and then a boat again and then flies out of water and becomes a bike
again.
Writer 1: Why not make a boat
turn into a plane and he flies off?
Writer 2: Don't be ridiculous, boss.
Also, that’s more a Dhoom 4 idea. Audience is not ready for it yet. Batman has
done it; I don't have the DVD now. But next film, I promise you, the thief will
jump out of a building and become a plane.
Writer 1: Ok, let's go. Time for
meeting with Aamir.
Writer 2: We haven’t written
anything for Abhishek or Katrina yet.
Writer 1: Have already briefed
Vaibhavi on how to present Katrina. She said we can do a family friendly
striptease for one song and a circus act for another, one romantic duet with Aamir
and one Dhoom song for end credits.
Writer 2: And Abhishek?
Writer 1: No time for that...
I'll give him sunglasses.
(It is learnt that Abhishek
insisted on using all the fake moustaches and beards he had to add character)
Later at the meeting:
Aamir: So do I get caught by Jai
and Ali? John and Hrithik preferred to leap to death if I remember right.
Writer 1: What would you rather
do?
Aamir (thinks): Hmmm! (Looks at
the cheque in hand) Ok then, let’s Dhoom!
Post Script: Not a page of script
was written after this meeting.
Genre: Action
Director: Vijay Krishna Acharya
Cast: Aamir Khan, Abhishek
Bachchan, Katrina Kaif, Uday Chopra
Storyline: Jai and Ali are called
to investigate bank robberies in Chicago involving a circus clown
Bottomline: A superlative spoof,
so much to laugh at.
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